So I'm just going to get right to it. Fucking... Men...
Sounds sexist, but this is what it is.
One, I like someone new. Well it's new for me to announce it so openly, but still. And I'm slowly starting to feel like I'm in that situation where I might consider dating someone casually to keep my mind off the fact that I can't be with this person. Some people will say "EMOTIONS AREN'T SOMETHING YOU TURN ON AND OFF LIKE A LIGHT!" well, they are if you're not truly invested to begin with. And people do exist that do that. Just would be a hard thing to find. And the thing about me doing that is that I slip into this apathetic mood. I start to resent the person. It's not their fault, but I feel like we're just using each other. I don't feel like doing that over time. Once or twice, sure, but for weeks at a time, to play the role of boyfriend and girlfriend without real connection? That's so depressing. I feel like a man in a sexless marriage, pretending to be okay with it by watching strippers perform on the weekends and getting drunk to fill that void in his soul. I used to have roleplaying to kind of be that stripper for me when I don't have music. Now I don't even have that. I've been forgetting how to entertain myself. Not that I can't, but everything is becoming less entertaining and more like a chore. Like I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just falling to pieces slowly and surely.
Another thing, there's someone that likes me that I don't like back. Now that's like several people. But this specific person is just giving me a vibe that smothers and I don't like that. And I hate that when I tell other people, he hears about it and denies it and gets all hurt feeling. And I don't like to be the person that takes screenshots like "BRO! THIS GUY IS GIVING ME VIBES I DON'T LIKE!". Plus I use him for things once in a while (hence that resentment thing I mentioned earlier) so I feel forced to deal with it. Do I like him? Not really. I just get along with him. I want us to have a relationship of acquaintances, where I'm not obligated to care about his life, hug him, or acknowledge his existence. But he wants to borderline "friends with benefits" me. He wants the friend who will cuddle and make him feel safe and nurtured and help him escape life. .-. But how can I say that "I really don't want to touch you specifically" without sounding mean? Because I have... and everyone said I was being a bitch. But I'm not going to lie about someone making me physically uncomfortable. After a while, I'm going to resort to avoiding the person or sitting on the lap of others and hugging them because they don't weird me out about it.
Let me take an intermission to take medicine... I'm really sick. And proofreading is also not on my mind... Nor is making sense.